Memories

A month has passed. I have thought of Darin multiple times every single day.

I miss him so much!

Tears still come easy, I wonder if that will always be the case?

 I have decided that things will never go back to normal, instead, normal has changed. 

This month seemed to pass slowly. Time does keep going though (at first I didn't think that it would) the days keep passing and I am seeing that I can move forward, I am stronger than I thought. 

I cried while teaching in church today, I was teaching of the truthfulness of life after death and eternal families. My class probably thought I was crazy. I didn't care. I am glad that I got to teach that lesson. I am so thankful that I know it is true.   

Memories and pictures of my amazing brother are such treasures to me! I will cherish them always. 

I will tell my boys stories of their uncle, who loved them so much. I will tell them that he was full of life. That he was outgoing and nice to everyone. I will tell them that he had a great sense of humor and could always make me laugh. I will tell them that he had a strong testimony of our savior and he shared it with many people who were searching. I will tell them that he lived a life that made his family proud. They will know their uncle is awesome.  

I am glad that 'goodbye' is only until we see him again someday. 

I am so very excited for that day.

When Skies are Gray

At times when I think that sadness could consume me, these little rays of sunshine are there for me! 

They are my smiles and my joy. 

Their smiling faces bring me happiness when I need it most.

I love my boys!!

I thank Heavenly Father for these little miracles that call me "Mom"

Cabin Fever

We feel cooped. Winter is too long around here. 

The weather has been slightly warmer and the sun is out a little bit more, we got excited that it might be spring and we tried going to the park today…. we were there for about 30 minutes… the wind was freezing! In case you were wondering, it's still winter! 

We came home and built a fire in our yard and played Jenga instead… Maybe spring will come next week??

Here are some more recent pictures:

Quincy sitting in the big boy seat of the shopping cart.

 Clayton has to dress up according to whatever it is that he is playing at the moment… Here is "Fireman-Clayton" and Batman:

BB Gun

I've said it before and I am sure that I will say it again, Clayton is most certainly Daddy's little boy! He loves his Dad so much! It doesn't matter what Sean is doing, Clayton wants to be right there with him! 

 Today they were outside shooting the BB gun so I snapped some pictures (through the window… which is why they are pretty fuzzy) I love Clayton's "one eye shut- aiming face" 

This is Clayton purposely looking away from the camera because Sean wanted a picture of him… he is a stinker! 

Thoughts

I am not good at writing, but I like to write. I am not good at describing my emotions or talking through feelings, but I feel as if I need to. My mom suggested that I just write what comes to mind, and told me that it is ok if it isn't worded perfectly or if it doesn't make sense… so here is a glimpse at was is on my mind. Only a glimpse, because my head has been constantly overflowing with thoughts lately, it would be impossible to type everything.

It's been almost three weeks since my heart felt as if it had been shattered.

I miss my brother. 

I wish heaven had a phone line, so I could talk to him. 

 That sick feeling I had for days went away, I wondered when it would. I am grateful for the peaceful feeling that is now there instead.

My dad gave me a blessing and it brought me peace. I am thankful for the power of the priesthood and for the amazing men in my life that hold that power, and honor it, so that I can hear words of comfort directly from my Father in Heaven.

My testimony of our Heavenly Father's plan gives me hope. I know I will see my brother again. I am so thankful for that knowledge. I know that Darin is ok. I know that he wants me to be happy. 

I still cry.

 I know that is ok too.

This experience has made me a different person. It is hard to explain, but I feel changed. My thoughts have changed, my perspective has changed too.

I want be a better person.

I am grateful for the family that I have, all of them. They are awesome. We help each other, we hold each other up. I love that.

Each day, I start over and my heart heals a little bit more. 

Time doesn't make days easier (whoever came up with that saying was so wrong) Instead, I think that each day I am stronger.